Anxiety: kind of not so good friend that never leaves

Pouring my heart out to strangers isn´t my kind of thing, but this time I feel the need to raise my voice. To talk about the things we often forget, until it hits us. Like it hit me. Mental health is as equally important as physical health. If your mind isn´t calm, nothing else around you will be.

My life is a patchwork of very different pieces. Each one of them represents one period and I had them all. I´ve reached some very high peaks, but I have also been thrown to the very bottom. The year of 2018 has been one of the "downs" or at least they have taken the better part of it. "Ups" came later. This year has been extremely difficult and both physically and emotionally draining, which in the end affected my mind as well.

Talking about this isn´t the kind of thing you do every day and all the time. That´s why it takes some time to tell yourself: "I can share this. This is my story." and stand behind it while everyone who reads/listens looks at you with a very high dosage of pitty. I don´t mind it anymore. Like any other person, I got used to it. There is hundreds of stories shared like this everyday and some may think it´s just another stupid example on how you can succeed and change. It isn´t. Not any of all of the stories out there is the same. Each one is specific in a way and very personal to those who share it with you. So, take a moment and appreciate anyone who shares something like this, because they took the rough road to come to this online space and talk about it.

How did it start?

This question always makes me wonder. It is usually the first one that I get after I share my story. If we´re talking about last year- it started early . But in my opinion, anxiety and depression isn´t something that comes out of nowhere. It builds up inside of you until the wall is very thick and you can´t get through anymore. Your mind can´t fight, your body gives up and you start falling apart.

Anorexia.

The beginning of my problem started probably way back in 2013. Anorexia. There was no place for acceptance in my mind, even though it was obvious to everyone else. My body went through changes and it was skinny as hell. Back then I had only 48 kg and my thoughts still went in "I am too fat way". One day consisted of 2 apples in the morning, coffee, fruit salad around 4 pm, 1,5 hour workout, 2 l of water and 2 potatoes around 7 pm. Calorie intake was way too low, but I thought it was ok. Until.. Damir saw me. Damir is the kind of friend you don´t see often but he still loves you and tells you in most honest way if you´re doing something wrong. As we were working together back then, every meeting was pure talk about me being too skinny. Everything he said sounded like rubbish. These words somehow started making sense when we went out for coffee, ordered cake and.. I could not eat two bites of it. So, if you find yourself reading this. Damir, THANK YOU.

Admitting to yourself that you have a problem is the first step you need to take. I did.I coped up with this one. Started eating more, started lifting weights and my body healed. But I don´t think my mind ever did.

Moving on, moving out, moving in.

Like every other student does, dealing with stress is something normal. That was an easy thing to do. Your mind however, keeps it in. My belief was that fitness was my exit. My problems stay out when I´m in the gym. They stayed outside of gym, but my mind took them with it every time and kept them inside. Finishing studies, moving out to another country seems like an easy thing to to, right? It isn´t. First of all, you change your environment. It´s a different cup of tea. Social circumstances are different and you have to get used to them. The system works different and you have to get used to it. You´re going to use different language. Get used to it. You have new house. You need new friends. So on and on.. Moving from Bosnia to Austria was apparently a shock for my organism and I didn´t want to admit it. Again, ignorance was the key to all the problems I had. The pile was already big and it started growing and growing until it finally started falling apart.

Anxiety. Where to now?

My exit was gym. Fitness was my helping hand. Until..Earlier in 2018, I have injured my shoulder so bad on the training that I wasn´t sure if I´ll ever be able to train. My shoulder was critic and it all went further away. My organs started having problems one by one. Every day at the doctors´s office can do more harm to your mind more than you think. Final news were that my lungs are swimming in water. This was the breaking point. Pain in my chest appearing every night, cough, pain.. I thought I was going to die. It was the end of the world. I couldn´t sleep, couldn´t eat.. My friends became my enemies, my home became too small, I needed to breathe. All that and more. The results that came later were stating my condition is better, I am going to recover but I still felt the pain. I was still listening the movements of my body, looking for something that isn´t working the right way anymore, until.. I realized the pain in my chest wasn´t caused by my lungs. It was caused by panic attack. It was my mind. Telling me to stop, to rest.

Take a break.

Fortunately, this time, there was always someone who was there to push me in the right direction. There was little Damir in my head, that moved me into right direction. I asked for help, I got it. I worked on myself. It turns out, I was in such a stress that my mind couldn´t handle it anymore and it started spreading this negative energy on my organs, turning them sick.

I quit the job that was stressing me out.

I took time off, just for myself. To work on myself.

I started figuring out what I want and how I am going to handle it.

I started planning my future steps.

My mind calmed down.

Anxiety is something I can handle.

Panic attacks have no place to settle in my life.

There was no chaos anymore. I was there, but in different environment. Decided to let go the things I don´t care about, and to involve myself with the things I am interested in.

I found a new job. It makes me calm. I can do 10 hours of it and I will still come home with 0% stress.

I am listening to the language of my body. If I need a break, I take it.

If I can´t manage to do everything in one day, that´s fine.

If I am not ok, I tell it.

This time, I am not shutting myself down, I am communicating.

It healed. The world is different now.

The fears are gone.

Sharing this in public isn´t what I was planning to do, but after I saw Kerstin (Instagram: @missgetaway) talking about it, I thought I will join the ride to raise awareness to make you realize how important your mental health is.

Take care of yourself.

Take a break, because your mind needs it.

I could talk about this for days, but I will end it here and say thank you to everyone who was there with me, during this very hard part of the year. May the next one be very different. :)